How couples can avoid divorce

Relationship, couples and marriage help comes in the form of insight into how successful partnerships work. Once you know the map, you can traverse the territory.

There are several key insights that couples must have before they can be assured of a good relationship. In brief, here are the essentials.

1. Understand your own personality style and your partners. Neither are going to change in a hurry, so it is essential that you see, understand and accept both. In particular, notice what soothes and helps the other, and what enables them to express thoughts and feelings that precede anger, resentment, hostility, etc.
2. Behind personality differences are needs and values differences. Ignorance of one’s own needs and that of your partner’s are the key reason people get emotional, and conflict abounds. These differences, especially those that matter most, are going to be most usefully exposed to you by a skilled therapist.
3. When needs are not met, or values not respected and accepted, strong feelings arise. What feelings come up for you? Get to know your own emotional reactive pattern - don’t assume that everyone is the same - yours is uniquely yours. These feelings basically say “The way I (or you) are responding to life situations doesn’t work for me. I want a different response from me (or you) when certain situations arise.
4. Learn to listen. Easier said than done when you’re upset, but get into the routine of listening in a way that works for the other (ask them for guidance on how best to do this). Some like their feelings heard, validated and reflected, others prefer to have their viewpoint reflected and appreciated. Never abuse being listened to by being judgemental or critical - or the listening won’t last long.
5. Emotions therefore tell you when things aren’t working for you, and also tell you when they are going well. The blueprint for your emotional reactive style, though, was established in childhood. Get to know your emotional pattern and that of your partner. Read the article “Conflict Styles� on http://www.couplescounselling4u.co.nz/conflict-styles.html to see what style you bring to your relationship. Once you each know your style, then you can discuss ways of managing it when it arises during conflict.
6. Your emotional reaction in relationship is almost totally about you rather than the other person. It is unlikely you will come to a full and necessary understanding of this without the therapeutic involvement of someone skilled to help you see this, and all of the steps above.
7. A good start to your work together is to ask yourself two essential questions.
a. “What does the fact that I was attracted to my partner say about me, and what does the fact that I’m bothered by my partner say about me?�
b. “What am I like to live with? How many others would also find me difficult to live with, and for what reasons?�
c. What is my reactive pattern that occurs over and over, and how easy am I to get on with when it kicks in?
d. What do I do in my relationship that adds quality to it?